Sine Qua Nonsense

Climate, Please Change

It’s March madness!

No, I’m not referring to the NCAA tournament that IU will surely win. I’m talking about the weather. Go Hoosier basketball! Go away Hoosier snow!

March 20 marked the official beginning of spring, when the sun reached its equinox. Or is it the Earth that reaches the equinox, technically? I don’t know. I’m a telecom student, not an astrophysicist. With spring, warmer weather is supposed to come about, flowers are supposed to bloom and gloomy folks are supposed to become shiny happy people.

Late March should not look like this.

Late March should not look like this.

Instead, we’ve had cold temperatures and some heavy snow, leaves and flowers are nowhere to be found and people are complaining about the weather. Since I literally come from the desert and am not accustomed to snow at all, even in January, I thought it was just me and people from similar climates who are suffering. Now, even people from cold areas have raised their voices against the injustice of a late March freeze.

I think this is all a plot by my colleague Thomas Friedman to prove his theory of “Global Weirding” (we both write our opinions for public consumption, so I’d say we’re colleagues who basically do the same thing). After cold weather refuted the fear-mongering assertions of 99.9999% of climate scientists who claimed that global warming was going on, Friedman decided to put the emphasis on climate change in general. He claims the weather is getting crazy and it is getting both extremely hot and extremely cold at the same time. How the hell does that work? I don’t know. I’m a telecom student, not a climatologist.

All these tree huggers want us to be afraid of the weather. I think Friedman got a huge snow machine and teamed up with the Weather Channel to produce Winter Storm Virgil. That’s why they’re naming the snowstorms now – so we’ll be able to scream their names in terror as we wake up from our blizzard-filled nightmares.

Also, what’s up with forecasts for Bloomington being so horribly inaccurate? It shouldn’t be snowing when the forecast says zero or ten percent chance of precipitation! What’s up with the Weather Channel website and their app having completely different information for the same exact place and time? It is all part of the “Global Weirding” campaign. We will fear the unpredictable weather so much that we’ll stop polluting.

This weather is sacrilegious. Passover and Easter should not look like Hanukkah and Christmas. It will confuse the children, who will frustratingly hunt for Christmas presents under a nonexistent tree instead of looking for Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies out on the lawn; or, if they’re Jewish, they will expect delicious oily sugar-covered jelly doughnuts and all they’ll find is cardboard-flavored matzah.

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