Sine Qua Nonsense

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Steinberg increases TCOM’s Type 2 Diabetes Risk

For more than a year, it has been my goal to raise sugar levels of Bloomingtonians so much that they’ll have blood in their sugar rather than sugar in their blood. Like McDonald’s new campaign slogan “Think with your mouth,” I thought it would be easy to get my victims to do what Americans do so well anyway.

I have been bringing coconut-covered chocolate balls, mini-donuts and brownies to potlucks across this great Midwestern town, inflicting glucose and fructose mostly upon fellow graduate students. And so, it was my evil pleasure when Paul Wright informed us that T600 enrollees would have to arrange munches for one meeting of the lecture series. I saw it as my opportunity to pump sweet carbohydrates into the veins of faculty members as well.

The students before me brought really good food to T600. Elizabeth made sandwiches. Teresa provided us with chicken nuggets and salsa. However, much to my great approval, she also brought homemade pralines. I hoped that those who come after me would take my lead and bring nothing but junk food.

As my turn approached, I plotted carefully. My first step was to get people excited about the sugary delights I would bring. I mentioned them to anyone I could. I even sent Bryant Paul an e-mail with the menu, claiming later that it was a mistake, that when I wrote in “Paul” the auto-fill thought I was looking for “Paul, Bryant” rather than “Wright, Paul”.

Chocolate balls, chocolate mini-donuts, sugar-glazed mini-donuts, potato chips and some token fruit.

Chocolate balls, chocolate mini-donuts, sugar-glazed mini-donuts, potato chips and some token fruit.

What was meant to be the pinnacle of my plan proved to be my downfall. Paul Wright saw right through me. He exposed my plot in the PowerPoint presentation you can see above. He revealed my Calvinism (as in Calvin & Hobbes, not the religion).

I should have seen it coming when he asked me how to pronounce my last name. I just thought he was going to thank me briefly like he did with the other student caterers. In previous weeks, the PowerPoint slides were meant to introduce the speakers in an entertaining way. They tended to be roasts, kind of like the ones on Comedy Central, except without the cursing, misogyny, homophobia and racism.

This time, Paul used the PowerPoint to PowerPoint out the fact that my original plan had been to bring nothing but sugary mini-donuts and homemade chocolate balls, with a side of savory potato chips (“that must be the vegetable for today,” Paul said). I did bring fruit in the end, but even that has fructose in it.

Well, now that my sugar plot has been exposed, I can finally get into that healthy eating fad. Next semester, my T600 menu will consist of quinoa, broccoli and kaleshake. I can tell you’re already looking forward to it.


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