Brain Breaks: Telecom Horoscope

By Edo Steinberg

As part of the blog team’s effort to ease your last week of classes (eerily nicknamed “Dead Week”) and Finals Week, we offer predictions as to how your next fortnight will go. We looked to the stars for answers.

Date ranges and ruling celestial body are noted for those unfamiliar with astrology.

Please note that a horoscope’s margin of error is astronomical.

AriesAries (Ruled by Mars), March 20 – April 19

As Mars and Makemake* align, you are feeling combative. You’re ready to take on every exam and every paper. Be careful not to let your passions flare. You may feel the urge to argue with your professor about that A- being bumped up to a full A, but remember that grades don’t really matter in grad school.

Those of you who are faculty members and AIs will judge your students harshly. You will notice every, misplaced comma, illogical sentence and irrelevant citation. Please remember that if most students in your class flunk, you will look bad.

TaurusTaurus (Ruled by Venus), April 20 – May 20

Like a bull in a China shop, you will lash out at anybody who asks if you’re stressed out, whether you’re done with your papers or when you last spoke to your adviser. It is recommended that you not use red when grading because that color will only make you angrier. If you are dealing with hard-copies, your students will not understand why there are big round holes in their papers. If you are dealing with electronic submissions, you will need a new screen.

GeminiGemini (Mercury), May 21 – June 20

The good news is that as a Gemini, which means “The Twins”, you are able to do as much as two people normally would. The bad news is that you are probably just doubling up on procrastination. However, once you realize how much work is ahead of you, you will be able to finish everything quickly.

CancerCancer (Moon), June 21 – July 22

The full moon, right in the middle of Finals Week, will make you very reflective. Your ability to think deeply during this time will allow you to ace exams and papers. However, this also means that you should not actually work on anything until Monday, December 16, nor should you leave anything for after Wednesday, December 18. That three-day period is the only time you are truly and fully bright.

LeoLeo** (Sun), July 23 – August 22

Like the king of the animal kingdom that you are, you will dominate these two weeks. Everything will go perfectly. You will be done with your papers days before they are due, get straight A+’s and will be ready to actually get some research done and think of a question for your dissertation. If you have submitted papers to journals and conferences, all of them will be accepted. In fact, some conference organizers may even ask you to serve as the keynote speaker.

VirgoVirgo (Mercury), August 23 – September 22

You will treat exams and papers as if you were working on them for the first time, even if this is your fifth semester in grad school. You will be very nervous, but also excited. Finals Week will be over before you know it, and once your grades are in, you will be very disappointed.

LibraLibra (Venus), September 23 – October 22

You will feel very frustrated this exam season. In fact, you will be wondering why you chose this graduate instead of going to law school. You will feel saddened every time you see people in suits, thinking that could have been you.

ScorpioScorpio (Mars), October 23 – November 21

A revise and resubmit is coming your way. You will also take up research you abandoned months ago. Unfortunately, you will not remember much about what it was you were interested in, and therefore the study will amount to nothing. You should start from scratch.

SagittariusSagittarius (Jupiter), November 22 – December 21

According to the star charts, your birthday has either just passed or is coming up soon. You chose a bad time to be born. You will probably be stressed out on your birthday, unable to properly celebrate because of all the work you have to do. However, you might give yourself a day off, but even then you will feel very guilty.

CapricornCapricorn (Saturn), December 22 – January 20

The rings of Saturn are sending you positive energy. You will do well on exams and papers. You will finish grading quickly. However, these two weeks will be awful for your personal projects. You will not get any of your own research done, will not make any films or create any new games.

AquariusAquarius (Saturn), January 21 – February 18

You are ready for this semester to be over. You look forward to next year, the next semester and your birthday, which marks the beginning of your new personal Age of Aquarius. You will not look back at Fall 2013 ever again.

PiscesPisces (Jupiter), February 19 – March 19

All you want to do is jump into a body of water and swim. The weather and workload do not allow that to happen. You can’t wait to be free to fly to a warmer area of the country or the globe, so you work on your papers haphazardly, just wanting to be done with them already.

* It’s a dwarf planet – look it up.

** The writer of this horoscope is a Leo.

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