May the Best Boat Stay Afloat

By Edo Steinberg

Not the thinking man's game - The Telecommandos.

Not the thinking man’s game – The Telecommandos.

If curling is the most ridiculous sport you’ve ever heard of, word of something called “Intramural Battleship” must have never reached your ears. In this game, the main rule is “sink or be sunk”. Each team has a little canoe, two paddles, two buckets and a shield. They need to splash water into their rivals’ vessels to make them go the way of the Titanic while defending themselves from the same fate.

Yesterday, Dustin Ritchea, Garrett Poortinga, Alexis Ovitt and Steve Myers, who dubbed themselves Team Telecommandos (originally Telecombat), participated in their debut Battleship game. They wore matching shirts with the letter C for Commandos, as well as pirate and Viking regalia.

“Steph and I were AI’ing together and looking for things to do in our free time,” Dustin remembers. “We looked at different clubs on campus. Battleship came up, and I said ‘what is this?’ I got super excited when I figured out what it was.”

He had a hard time finding people to join his team. Steve was the first to jump on board, if you’ll excuse the pun.

Alexis was excited to join as well, at first. When Dustin texted everyone to remember to bring five dollars and a bathing suit, he got a text back from Alexis asking “what the hell did I agree to do?”

“I thought we were going to play the board game Battleship,” says Alexis. “Competitive Battleship, that would be fun. When Dustin said to bring a swimming suit I didn’t understand why.” She doesn’t even really swim.

The electric excitement started even before the game began.

“As soon as we showed up and nobody else had a costume on, I feel like we already won,” Garrett jokes. “After that, we were just following through with the prearranged rules.” I should point out that this was their only victory.

“When a staff member asks to take his picture with you, that’s pretty good,” Steve chimes in.

“That was more of a political move on our part,” Garrett says.

“We’re old and we just don’t care,” says Steve.

“The thing to remember about Battleship is that it isn’t the thinking man’s game,” Dustin laughs, quoting something one of their rivals said in all seriousness between rounds.

The team members don’t think there was anything wrong with their strategy. “The winning team was made up of 80-pound girls,” Alexis analyzes their defeat.

“Sinking was fun, but disappointing,” Alexis says. “Especially when I found out there were T-shirts on the line.”

“We never tipped,” Dustin says proudly. “Our sinks were always graceful.”

“There was a moment, just for a second, where it was like we could survive,” says Garrett. “We’re going down. No, we’re not. Yes, we are!”

Unfortunately, Battleship won’t be played again until next year, so you won’t be able to see the Telecommandos playing live for a while. For now, you could settle for watching the video footage.

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